When a Heart Cries by Kim Vogel Sawyer

Author:Kim Vogel Sawyer
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781619700833
Publisher: Hendrickson Publishers
Published: 2012-08-16T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Eighteen

Samantha escaped to Adam’s old room at the top of the landing. She sat on the faded patchwork quilt covering the feather mattress and bowed forward, hiding her face in her hands. Oh, how she wanted to celebrate. To add her congratulations to those being offered by everyone else in the family. But how could she ever form the words? She was sure it couldn’t happen . . . not until her heart had healed.

Why, Lord? Why did they have to share this today, when I’d been enjoying myself and basking in the love of family? Why, once again, did something have to remind me of what I so dearly want?

Footsteps sounded in the hallway, and Samantha looked up, expecting to see Adam. But Laura entered the room. At her mother-in-law’s tender expression tears overflowed, and she held her arms out in a silent bid for reassurance. Laura immediately sat beside her and wrapped her arms around Samantha’s frame.

The older woman’s dress held the aromas of their Thanksgiving meal—homey, comforting scents that spoke of family, of joy, of God. Samantha breathed deeply, seeking those pleasant memories from the many meals eaten around the Klaassen table. “Oh, Mother Klaassen, I’m so ashamed . . .” Samantha turned her face into Laura’s shoulder. “I want to be happy. I love Josie, and I am happy for her, but—”

“But you’re envious.” Laura patted Samantha’s back, her voice holding no recrimination, yet the disagreeable word stung.

Samantha pulled free and wiped her eyes. “I know it’s truly awful.”

“Nonsense, Samantha. It’s honest. And no one can fault you for your feelings.”

Samantha peered over at Laura. “You don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel bad for myself when I should feel joy for Josie?”

Her mother-in-law’s gentle smile soothed like a balm. “I don’t think there are wrong feelings, Sammy—only bad reactions to feelings.”

Samantha’s brow furrowed. “I don’t understand.”

Laura took Samantha’s hand. “A person can’t always control her feelings. Emotions are a part of us, and feelings of joy or sorrow or worry or envy are normal. It’s foolish to think we won’t have those different feelings from time to time. God gave us emotions, and we shouldn’t deny them. But what we do with those feelings . . . ah, that’s where we need to have control.”

Samantha dropped her gaze to her lap. “So I shouldn’t have run out like I did.”

Laura tugged at Samantha’s hand. “I’m not faulting you, Samantha. And I understand your wish that it would be you and Adam making such an announcement. But running upstairs and hiding won’t help anything, ne leefste.”

Tears again welled in Samantha’s eyes at the endearment. How could Laura call her “dearest” when she behaved so . . . well, so selfishly? “But it’s very hard! How do I get past these feelings of . . . of inadequacy? Every time I see a baby, or see Adam with one of his nieces or nephews, I feel as though I’ve let him down.”

“Adam doesn’t blame you. Nobody blames you, Samantha.

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